My whole life (as soon I learned to formulate sentences anyhow) I have said “I will do whatever it takes to get a boyfriend.” At age 34, I now realize this is one of the biggest lies I have ever uttered.
The number one attractive quality in a woman is confidence. You can ask any man this question, you can ask a dating coach, you can even look it up online. So…I made myself confident!
Here’s a peep into what me being confident looks like:
I stand up straight, I speak loudly and clearly, I look people in the eye, I say funny things, I wear a push up bra and I’m ok with speaking in front of large groups of people.
So if you were to see me walking down the street, you would most likely say to someone “Yeah, that girl is pretty confident.” And if you said it directly me, I would put on a silly, goofy little smile and say “Thanks!” in a really high voice! But on the inside, up there in my brain, those little thoughts of unworthiness and unlovability taunt me “We know the tru-u-u-th! You’re not confident at all. You’re LYING!”
So I nicely shove those little thoughts somewhere far in the back of brain and I continue with “my confidence”. Only, being that I’m single, clearly I don’t have enough confidence.
So what do I do?
I go get a better wardrobe, I get an even pushier, push up bra, I stand up straighter and I get louder and funnier.
But of course the little thoughts come back so I get an EVEN BETTER wardrobe, the PUSHIEST push up bra and I dominate conversations with my obscenely perfect poster, well-put-togetherness and loud, sharp banter and clear speaking voice. By this point, I think I’m closer to being a 1930’s, Joan Crawford-like diva then being a cooky, funny chic who has lots of love to give.
And this is not attractive to men. It’s not relatable, it’s probably intimidating but worse off then any of that, it’s a bunch of baloney. And men know it. That’s the trick with men. There is so much talk that they aren’t intuitive or connected to their feelings but they can see fake confidence a mile away. And it doesn’t attract them or make them want to ask me out.
I haven’t confronted those little thoughts because I haven’t wanted to. I’ve always thought it was unfair that I had to do all this “work” on myself and because I highly doubted that every woman on the planet of the earth who was in a relationship was just oozing, real, authentic confidence every second of every day. I refused to believe this and kept thinking I could just keep doing my schtick, spinning my wheels and I would get what I want.
The problem is, not only am I alone when I don’t want to be, I’m exhausted, depleted and tired of pretending.
One definition I found of confidence is: belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities
So I am taking this on…for the first time ever. Believing in myself. Believing in my own lovability and ability to love. Believing that a man would literally be lucky and thrilled to get to spend the rest of his life with me. If I can get this down, I wouldn’t even categorize it as confidence. I would categorize it as “I get to have the life I never thought I could!”
And I will do whatever it takes to get this…even it means taking another course in self-confidence.