Trust. A necessity for any successful romantic relationship. But here’s the thing: men and woman have different definitions of trust and too often, neither sex is aware of this fact. Let’s talk about that.

For most women, their greatest threat to trust is a man cheating on her. So she goes about building this kind of trust: “I will not cheat on you” because that is what is important to her, to not be cheated on.

But the big secret is that men, overall, are not too concerned about their women cheating on them.

Most men know that women are less likely to cheat than men (sorry guys, it’s a fact!) So you being faithful to us, doesn’t necessarily build trust, because we don’t usually worry about that as much as you do. Don’t get me wrong , I am not saying that men don’t think about their partners cheating on them. I am saying that just being faithful to your man is not the only way to build trust with him, because he’s worried about other things about the relationship more.

So how do you gain trust with your man and build a loving relationship?

First, understand that being faithful is only a part of the big picture with men. To really build trust in your man, you need to make him really feel like you support, believe, and accept him for who he is.

This is more powerful than staying faithful. I am not saying you can be unfaithful as long you make him feel like a superhero. He won’t stand for that. Just understand that it takes more than just being faithful to truly build trust with a man.

Think for second about how men bond. We build stuff together, we play on teams, and if you want to take it to extremes where male trust is powerful, think about soldiers and other dangerous careers. As a soldier, you have to trust that your fellow soldier will risk his life for you as you would for him.

Now, you don’t have to risk your life to build trust with your man, but make him feel that you would. Let him know that you have his back no matter what. Let him know that you understand he is a human being and is going to make mistakes, but you will be there for him. Don’t make him feel bad when he screws up. Offer to help and don’t criticize. This is how you build a special bond with your man.

It may seem like a woman is doing all the work, but in reality something awesome will start happening. Remember that men like challenges. When we really start to feel that bond with a female, you will see him change. He will feel inspired and challenged and will want to rise up to the occasion of being an incredible partner. I recommend that you start noticing all the great things about your man and make him feel that you believe in him. And, if you don’t believe in him, you shouldn’t be with him because he will never trust you.

I hope this helps women understand the minds of men. And don’t worry ladies, a blog about how men should love and appreciate you is on its way.

This question is basically, “What’s wrong with you that I can’t see in the flattering lighting of this bar?”

I don’t remember getting asked this when I was 23 but a single 34-year-old woman who is decent-looking and seems like a nice person arouses a world of suspicion. And while I can argue all day about how we all have our journey in this life and not everyone is meant to meet their soulmate by the age of 25, there’s a flip side we defensive singletons over 30 rarely acknowledge: it’s more embarrassing to be proactive and try to become un-single than it is to just pretend that a lifetime of solitude is what we were after all along.

But no one is going to respond to “why are you still single” with “SHAME! It’s because of the shame! Don’t make me go into the love and relationships section at Borders! That’s the SHAME aisle! That’s the failure section!”

The reason I don’t follow the tips outlined in Find A Husband After 35 Using the Marketing Tools I Learned in Harvard Business School is because it’s too embarrassing to admit that I need an instruction manual to better navigate my own life. If I were that willing to put myself out there like that, I’d not only be married but I’d the top Avon sales rep in my county. Some dreams are just too lofty.

Oh god. I have no idea what I’m doing.

What, you ask, was I doing? Was I:

a) setting tiles in my kitchen
b) learning a foreign language
c) changing a tire
d) talking to a nice young man at a party on Saturday night”

The answer, of course, is d.

Despite my numerous abilities and accomplishments, I am totally and completely incapable of pursuing members of the opposite sex. This is not due to some great social ineptitude or lack of confidence, for I am perfectly convivial and often overly confident. Rather, my relationship difficulties are born of a lack of knowledge and understanding of men, which, I fear, are two things I will never gain.

I have re-tiled my kitchen. I can change a tire. I made my way through West Africa speaking high-school French. I found none of these things overwhelming or terribly daunting. But the idea of talking to a nice man who might be interested me, or might not be for all I know, is terrifying only because I know I am going into the situation unarmed. I’ll never figure out what he wants from me, never quite understand what he’s saying. While I’ll know there is more to this creature than what I see or hear, I will still be boggled.

I hate to be unprepared for whatever comes my way, but with men, I just am. Let me make you a Thanksgiving dinner, ask me about the Julio-Claudians, or give me some pants to hem. But please, please don’t ask me about men. I have no idea what I’m doing.

And yet here I am at “What Would Men Say?” Yes, unprepared. Yes, unarmed. And yes, unwilling to stay in the dark any longer. Men, bring it on. I’m ready to learn!

By Luis Santiago – www.mixitupla.com
A friend of mine had lunch with some co-workers where one of the servers caught his eye. He couldn’t stay and talk to her because he had a meeting after lunch He called me to ask if it was a good idea to go back after the meeting or to even go back at all.

First thing I told him was, next time, don’t hesitate at the restaurant and just approach whoever he finds interesting. When he told me he’s never done that before, approached a random woman he finds interesting, I said that is EXACTLY what he should say when he does approach her. I don’t recommend telling a girl that you have never approached a random girl, if you have before. That’s lying and insincere and you shouldn’t have to lie to someone just to get their phone number. It was the first time my friend had ever done anything like that, so it was ok for him to tell her. Basically I told him to tell her “this might seem a little crazy, but I was here earlier, saw you, and wanted to introduce myself. I’m…” Now all you do is wait for her reaction. Very simple. No need to over think things.

The reason approaching has become easier for me is because I already know what the result is going to be every single time. And no, I don’t get a number every time. If anyone makes that claim, they are lying.

The result is ALWAYS going to be one of two things:

1. She is not going to be interested at all and maybe tell me she has a boyfriend.
2. If she is single, appreciate that I have the confidence to approach her and give me her number.

Those are the ONLY two things that will happen every time!

If you concentrate of this, it will make “approachment anxiety” go away because you already know the outcome.

The most important aspect to this is that I am perfectly fine with either outcome. The reason I am perfectly fine with is because I get something from the interaction. If she gives me her number, great, I will call her and see what happens. If she doesn’t, I get such a great feeling knowing that I did something most people will not do: approach a total stranger and try to make a connection. This, in itself, is just a big of an accomplishment as getting the phone number.

Ok, back to my friend…he calls me when he goes back to the restaurant and the server he is interested in is sitting with a group of other female servers at a table. Now he really starts to get nervous and thinks about aborting the mission. I tell him he has two options: ballsy and REALLY ballsy.

He can go up to her and ask if he can talk to her a quick sec, and hope she is ok with that, and take her to the side. OR tell her what I told him to say in front of everyone! I recommended option two. He says ok, and hangs up.

He calls a few minutes later and says that he talked to her in front of everyone and that she was really cool and flattered BUT that she had a boyfriend. All the other servers were surprised and intrigued. Even though he didn’t get her number, he felt a sense of pride for doing it, since he had never done anything like that before. I told him it’s like baseball. You aren’t going to hit a home run every time, but the more you approach and feel confident doing it, the more ready you will be able to hit it out of the park. And when you finally meet that girl and make a connection that’s exactly what it will be, a grand slam!

www.mixitupla.com

Two disclaimers:
1) I became a dating consultant because most men are good guys who want to make women happy. This post is not about putting down any man, unless he’s no fun. Booo…..
2) A “short guy” is any man who is only 1-3 inches taller than you.

I like short men. A lot. I just realized why. Please consider the following point of view.

When women describe what they want in a guy, the first thing that they ALWAYS say is “I want him to be tall.” Which is great and I totally understand why. You want a man who makes you feel feminine and womanly. That makes sense!

I also know that your instincts (body) tell you that you need a tall man so that he can protect you from stalking mountain lions and invading Vikings. Again, that makes sense. Our bodies are designed to take good care of us. Yay body!

However, here is something to consider about dating in 2010.

As a smart, capable woman, if the only thing that you wanted in a relationship was physical safety, then a tall man would be the only choice.

However, this morning when you drove to the office, I highly doubt that you needed anyone to protect you from animals or invading cavemen.

By the end of today, what you probably will wish for is someone who believes that their #1 job is to take care of you, after you’ve spent a very long day taking care of your job responsibilities, bills, laundry, friends, etc.

In other words, what DOES make you feel sexy and excited is a “real man” who is

1. Charismatic – He tells the best stories at the bar.

2. Confident – He does not need you to make him feel better about himself. He’s interested in telling you why you are beautiful and amazing.

3. Generous – He gives because he wants to, not because he’s expecting a trade.

4. Clear re: priorities – He puts your needs first because making you happy makes him happy.

Here’s what you need to know. Short(er) men know that they are going to have to offer you something that is way more compelling in personality, in order to compete with the tall dudes. Since their height is a (perceived) disadvantage, they are willing to work WAY harder to be clever, funny, engaging, kind, thoughtful, generous and willing to bust their ass in order to make you happy.

A tall man who has many women flirting with him usually doesn’t need to work very hard to impress you, no matter how spectacular you are. Have you ever gone out with a man who seemed great at first, but then ended up being dull and unprepared? Did he only communicate by text because he was too lazy to pick up the phone? A man without a plan is like watching a giant balloon deflate within an hour. Sex appeal vanishes.

If you want a relationship that includes love, fun, and passion, consider dating a man who will work his butt off to give that to you.

Marriage is about one person, every day, for the next 40-50 years. I encourage you to look for a guy who knows how to be good company for a very long time. Remember, love protects us from all kinds of things (including scary cats and invaders).

Kim Lockhart – www.mixitupla.com

He has this beautiful, British accent and for some reason, he likes to talk like a Southern American redneck. He has this gorgeous house and for some reason he likes to keep a black, pot bellied fireplace in the middle of the living room. And, here’s the worst thing, it doesn’t matter what I do, he never gets irritated or frustrated with me, EVER! Even when I am being a big bitch, it doesn’t seem to phase him.

For me, it just seemed like if someone did anything that irritated me, that meant we weren’t meant for each other. So I would either not go out on dates or I would break up with people, because I was little irritated. Because if you are meant to be with someone, isn’t it supposed to be perfect? I mean at least for the first few months?

Apparently, I was wrong. I shared my “never be irritated” belief system with my sister and she said “No, no, no, no. Someone you really like could easily start irritating you within two to three weeks.”

This was both a shock to the system and a huge relief for me!

Shocking that I wasn’t the only one experiencing irritation early on in relationships and a relief because now being irritated didn’t have to be the determining factor of whether or not I should be with someone.

So, here’s the best part for me. I told my British fellow this. That I had been acting like I couldn’t be with him because sometimes he irritates me. And then, quietly, I asked “Do I ever irritate you?” He almost fell off the couch with laughter as he shouted “Oh my god! You irritate me so much!”

He went on.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone that irritated me as much as you but I’ve also never been with anyone I’ve loved as much as you. I just say to myself, well, that’s her.”

I was totally floored….and…I have to say, intrigued. Here I thought this man had me up on this perfect pedestal where I could do no wrong, when actually, because of his love for me, he was letting things go left and right and recommitting to our relationship. What I am left with is I can have a relationship with this man, continue to share my life with him and see if we could create the kind of partnership I want as opposed to running away every time he does a Southern Accent.

Talk to ya’ll later!

You have made a woman very happy by asking her out on a date and she has said yes! Great job!

At the restaurant, the two of you are hitting it off. You are loving that she gets your sense of humor. She tells you how great the meal is and your wine selection impresses her. Things are going well and as far as you can tell, she’s having a great time and is happy.

Then the check comes. It gets placed equi-distance on the table from yourself and your date. You are planning on paying but she is telling such an intriguing story about her trip to New Zealand, that you don’t want to break your focus to pay and you don’t want her to think you are not interested in what she has to say. So the check just sits there and you continue to give her your undivided attention. That is really nice of you, except for she is now in a little bit of hell.

Here’s why.

She will continue to tell her fascinating story and while she carries on with an enthusiastic smile, she will be having a completely private and insane conversation in her head about that frickin’ check. It goes something like this:

“Hmmm. Is he planning on paying? I should wait to see if he picks it up. Why shouldn’t he pay? He asked me out. But it’s still sitting there. Maybe he isn’t really into me and this is how he is telling me. I thought we were having such a nice time. Maybe not. It’s still sitting there. But maybe I should offer to pay so he doesn’t think I’m a moocher. I’m successful. I have money but it would be nice of him to pay. I like him. I hope he likes me. Maybe I should just pay for the whole thing? Yeah, I’ll just do that. Oh, god, it’s still just sitting there! No it’s fine. Wow, it’s still sitting there. He must really hate me!”

And yes, it can even continue from there.

Because for some women the paying of or not paying of the check is a marker:

He likes me=he pays. He no likes me=he no pays.

SOOOO, she finishes telling you her story and right about the time she is about to ask the least romantic question on the planet (“So….do you want to split this?”), you open the check presenter and casually toss in your credit card.

And she’s thinking ”Why didn’t he just do that sooner?! God! Well, I guess he likes me.”

So here’s my advice to you:

As soon as the check comes and you don’t feel like paying for it right away, which is fine, TAKE THE CHECK and place it on your side of the table so she knows you’ve got it and she doesn’t have to experience this stress. I’m not saying this internal monologue that some women have isn’t completely bonkers but for a lot of single women going on first, second or even third dates, it’s there. Taking the check is romantic and let’s her know you are taking care of her! And that will make her happy!

Yours truly,
Trying to make things a little less awkward,

“I always tell my wife that when I retire, I’m going to be an inspirational dating coach for women. Help them get to their greatness so they can be more confident in starting and maintaining their relationships. It blows me away how many awesome, beautiful women are struggling with relationships. I think if they knew what was inside a guys head, they could take all their power back.”

Aside from being an adorable, inspiring statement about how wonderful women are, what stuck out to me was the last sentence “I think if they knew what was inside a guys head, they could take all their power back.”

So, my question is, where did our power go?

For me, I don’t need to question whether or not I have power around men. I know I don’t. Well, at least I didn’t use to.

Almost my whole life, I was fairly certain that men had all the power and I had none. If I was going to be in a conversation with a man, it was totally up to him. If I was pretty or not, it was up to a man to decide. If I was worthy of being in a relationship, it was up to a man to deem it so.

So here I had all these men deciding my own value for me. This might have worked out except for the fact that these guys had NO IDEA I had given them this power and they were making horrible, horrible decisions for my life that were not satisfying me. Pretty crappy for them and me!

But here is the thing I am realizing, in a very Wizard of Oz, Dorothy-esque way: that I’ve had power all along and I’ve been PRETENDING that I didn’t. Pretending that I can’t love myself until a man does, pretending I can’t know my own beauty until a man says it first and pretending that I have to be alone until a man declares “OK. I’ll date you.”

It seems to me that both men and women have all the power. That there is no lack of personal power and freedom in the world and that should I ever lose my power and freedom as a woman, all I need to do is ask a man and he can clear up my confusion.

Continue being the powerful, bright bulbs you are!

I think that because I have this ability to berate myself out loud and make sure that everyone knows that I am fully aware of all my perceived shortcomings, that this means I’m being vulnerable. And this should be attractive to a man because men like women who are vulnerable.

It has occurred to me however that this is bunch of baloney!

It’s not vulnerable to list off what I think are so-called shortcomings. And in fact, it’s the opposite of vulnerable. It’s pretending to be vulnerable so that I seem really cool and unaffected, hence, protecting myself from being vulnerable at all.

It’s as if making sure people know I know “I’m not all that” is me sharing who I think the “real” me is.

Again, more baloney! (I’m going to have a really big sandwich by the time this entry is over!)

Because, if I were to be really honest, the real me is ridiculously lovable, fun, sweet as hell, kind of naïve, passionate and honest. But I’m too scared to tell people because what if no one believes me?! What if they all just say “No, you’re not any of those things. Who are you trying to fool? Get over yourself!”

Here I want to write “Well who cares what they have to say?” but the truth is, I’m not quite there yet. But I do feel that I am on to something here.

If I expressed myself in a way that showed how fun, sweet and passionate I am, shared my dreams unabashedly and courageously, I’m thinking there is a possibility of that being really attractive and appealing. If anything, it’s a hell of a lot more fun for me than reminding people “Yeah, I know, I have a big nose.”

So is real vulnerability necessary for me to find true love? For me, as I’m seeing it now, it’s the only path there is for me to take.

Be the beauty you are!